Those Three Little Words

It was brought up again tonight at the Ol' Crib Chick Coop; Mommy's favorite three word phrase.

"I Love You"?

Nope. Guess again.

"I Already Did."

I suppose one could say that my Love Language is Acts of Service. That would be an understatement on par with "Some Ladies Sort of Like Twilight", or "Chocolate is Kind of Good", though.

A Facebook Friend (yes, Facebook, so what) said that her Love Language was "Pick up Your $#%^", and I think that's closer to the dialect that I appreciate the most. But "Figuring Out Stuff on Your Own" is a close second.

When a child smiles and says "I Already Did", when you're in the midst of a Why Am I The Only One Who Sees Dirty Dishes crisis, it's as if you can feel the dopamine flood your system. (Or something flooding your system, anyway. Feel good hormones or incontinence, I guess.)

Mookie Doesn't Live Here, Anymore

So, the latest episode in my own personal "Desperate Housewife" soap opera was a case of mistaken cell phone identity. I'm sitting in the movie theater with Good Ol' Verne (who is the buddy I find myself at the movies with most often) and just when I'm about to turn it off (being the considerate movie-goer that I am) I get a text message that reads thusly...

Hey Mookie wake up let's bbq
this is Sparkle

I didn't respond until the second message, after the movie, and honestly...I was a little tempted to hear more about the life of someone named "Mookie" who could a) sleep until midday, and b) barbeque with folks named "Sparkle".

(Yes, it did occur to me later that "bbq" could be some sort of euphemism. Now I want to adopt it to mean anything dangerous or fun. Sort of a replacement for "Let's Rock 'n Roll!"...."Let's BBQ!")

Get Out of My Head, Man

I've recently been introduced to the comedic stylings of one Tim Hawkins. My favorite, thus far? A toss up between Cletus Take the Reel, and his ode to that little deep-fried gift to humanity, Chick-Fil-A. (Seriously, buy some of his DVDs, and support a clean comic. While you're at it, support Brian Regan, too!)

Don't Take Any Wooden Nickels

I've been contracted to come up with a passel of tips for inclusion in a newsletter that will go out to homeschooling parents. Now, of course, since this is a paying, serious job, I'm only going to share tips that would be helpful to people who are honestly trying to do a good job of running a home and parenting.

I'll save my other tips for you guys.

So, as my pledge to you, here are the first in a series of tips that would fall into the "Other" category, if one were to categorize them.

Tips you really need to know. But can't ask for.

#1 Hide Your Evidence

This gem comes from my friend, Monda, who has been Jedi to my Padawan in many ways, parentally-speaking. It was Monda who inspired me to be more of myself with my children, by being her own funny self with her kids, and showing me that yes, you actually can have fun as a mom. There's no penalty for that. But she also shared another secret with me that I'll pass along now...

Throw away the Slurpee cups before you go in the house.

Let's assume your husband loves you, and begrudges you no trinket or snack that will make your housebound life of drudgery any less difficult. That's awesome.

But if you throw away your evidence before going in the house, then it won't even matter if it's otherwise, will it? Maybe today would be the day that he would start to worry that the $1.10 you frittered away on 95 ounces of liquid corn syrup and food coloring is going to put you in the poorhouse, and you're really doing him a kindness by protecting him from the ugly truth. It's about considering others more than yourself, ladies.

#2 Cultivate a Love for Spice

And I'm not talking about the Dune version, either. (Here's where I insert my standard disclaimer about "Not Being A Sci-Fi Person", blah blah blah).

No, I'm talking about peppery foods. Cayenne, chipotle, jalapeno...anything that includes a reference to a capsaicin-bearing compound is your friend.

Extend that love to chocolate foods. Red pepper brownies, ground chili-sprinkled chocolate bars...develop that love and nourish it.

Why, you ask?

So that everyone else will leave it alone. Children will be conditioned to shun anything chocolatey after realizing your new fondness, and you'll have it all. to. your. self.

Well, that's all the wisdom I can dispense for one day. Whew. This guru business is exhausting.

Obama IS a uniter!!

Despite all of the partisan bickering that's gone on during Barack Obama's term, thus far, I think he finally made good on all of those hopes that he would be a great uniter...by calling Kanye West a jackass.

Folks, that's a belief that spans political lines, race, and religious affiliation.

Yes, it was off the record, and yes, the hapless reporter who Tweeted it deleted it quickly...but not quickly enough, thank goodness.

In a related aside...how is it that medical technology has not yet found a way to diagnose urinary tract infections in quicker than two days? (If your lab/doctor does it in less time, please...don't tell me.)

Seriously, a woman comes to you, pale and trembling, gives you her urine and says, "For the love of all that is dark and chocolate...GIVE ME SOMETHING TO MAKE THIS GO AWAY!"

And you say..."Well, we'll know in two days if this is a UTI or not."

Um...okay. Do you have a hammer that you could hit me in the head with, then? Could you inject me with something that will put me into a twilight state (and I don't mean twilight with a capital "T"...although that might help) until you figure it out?!

So then you go home, pound cranberry juice and water, take butt loads of vitamin C (I'm using that phrase as a descriptive term...that's not a new method of ingestion or anything), and then, two days later...you feel fine.

And they call you. "Hey, looks like you have a UTI!"

Duh.

Speaking of Twilight, imagine my surprise when, on our walk today, "Peep" #5, a four-year-old boy, pipes up while we're discussing the smaller kids' day at co-op yesterday (I'll post a definition down below, for you non-homeschooling types who wonder what that is), and says...

"Yeah, my teacher read us a book called Twilight!"

I kept my cool and replied, "Oh, really? What was it about?" knowing in my head that he couldn't possibly respond, "Sparkly vampires and true love!!", but yet wondering, all the same.

"It was about...it was between day time and night time!"

Mommy breathes a sigh of relief.

"And I told my teacher that there's a movie about Twilight!"

Did you, now.

*(Co-op: A co-operative effort between homeschoolers, usually academic, where teaching and other responsibilities are shared. The younger "Peeps" refer to it as "Co-Hop", however, and I think that works, too. We all sort of hop along in the same general direction.)